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December 22, 2020.
It was a rough year. The pandemic has us all in a slump but things went to hell in the past month. About a week ago dad had three mini-strokes. He still can’t feel the left side of his body and he is visibly distraught that he keeps dropping things. Just four days ago we found out mom had an intact anurysm behind her left eye. We were relieved “the mass” doctors saw on her scans wasn’t cancer but she would still need emergency surgery the next day. It would be ten hours from when she went into surgery till we got the call. She survived surgery. Later that night mom called me from her hospital bed, still feeling the anesthesia and I cried upon hearing her voice. She was not only alive, but she wasn’t noticably cognitively impacted.
Today we picked mom up from the hospital. She can walk and talk and I feel lucky. She looks like hell though, her left eye still unable to open, a long gash stapled shut runs from her temple in a horseshoe to her ear, and her hair is matted into one large rats nest. I spend an hour detangling her hair while she sits naked on a stool in the shower. She swaps between shivering and feeling as if the water is burning her. Finally I wash the last of the conditioner out and help her up. I put ointment on her incision and dry her hair then help her dress. I know she feels vulnerable and burdensome through this whole process but the only thing on my mind is how grateful I am.
I am grateful my parents are alive. I am grateful they haven’t become cognitively impaired. And I am also grateful in the most bittersweet way that I have the privilege to be with them through this. I know someday even these sad memories will be cherished and I wouldn’t give them up for anything. Though dad doesn’t want to have to ask for help and mom worries I’m going to miss out while taking care of her.. I am grateful to be here to take care of them in moments like this.
The whole self love thing is good and all but some people can’t fathom being loved. They can’t imagine there being anything good about them. So they can’t simply just stop doing unhealthy things, there’s a process.
Before self love you have to invoke self tolerance and self neutrality.
If you can’t say “I love my body!” say “my body gets me from place to place.”
If you can’t say “I’m beautiful,” begin by shutting down the “I’m ugly” thoughts and saying “I’m a person.”
If you can’t say “I’m valuable” begun by shutting down the “I’m worthless” thoughts and say “all people deserve basic respect, and I’m a person.”
If you can’t say “I’m important,” or “I’m kind” say “I am the one who waters my plant every week” or “I am the one who tips the kind barista down the street” or “I am the one who makes sure my dog does not eat plastic” or “I am the one who leaves long comments on people’s fan fictions.”
(big baby sensitive post warning) sometimes when I get high I look in the mirror and I’m like aw I’m kind of cute. And it’s such a nice feeling to experience self love. I haven’t ever felt this way sober and I wish I can someday.
That amazing feeling when your parent finally confirms what you’ve known all along: you are a burden.